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* Have you ever thought about a world where everything is exactly the same...
* Except you don't exist?
* Everything functions perfectly without you...
* Ha ha... The thought terrifies me.
i hope you have a nice night or day, and thank you for being here!
i live in a hollow town in the middle of rural nowhere. it feels very empty here. not in the peaceful forest way, but in the "neurotypical wasteland" way. there's loud overwhelming spaces full of people i can't connect with, no matter how hard i keep searching or trying to despite everything. this is what made me escape into liminal spaces. places where i could exist as something softer, where i don't have to contort myself to be tolerated. where i don't have to hear my voice or see my body. the internet to me is the one window into a life that feels like something. and it's what has allowed me to find out what i truly want in the life that has so long been kept from me.
music is a big part of my life and one of the only things that makes me feel stuff a lot of time. when i'm out, i blast loud overwhelming music to block out everything else going on around me. when i'm alone, i listen to music that gives me dopamine or makes me feel seen. it's often hard to put thoughts into words, so music feels like the go to language. i've had fixations on many albums and artists that have connected to me and i rarely explore to find new music. i prefer to just listen a lot to stuff that i really like. at times, music has even helped me find out more about myself. sometimes i'll listen to an album that sounds the way it does because of the artist's environment/headspace, and then realise it mirrors mine.
i'm a very nostalgic person. my whole life, i've always felt closely connected to things that are gone, or never existed in the first place. a lot of my interests, such as deltarune, have been related to "anemoia", a term that describes feeling nostalgic for a period of time you weren't around to witness. i'd obsess over things on the internet that felt like they were forgotten by people or just disconnected from our current time: flipnote, DS games, digital art, old minecraft servers, or most recently, the old warrior cats community - all stuff from the early internet that i never got to truly experience myself. i of course didn't have any fond memories of them, but the vibe i got from these things, how carefree they seemed, drew me in. i already used the internet to escape things when i felt overwhelmed by my surroundings. but when even that wasn't enough, i'd use these old, forgotten spaces as a coping mechanism to get away from things even more. it was so much better than seeing the politics and toxicity that shapes every corner of our present algorithm-driven internet. it also felt as if i was getting to have this childlike innocence, passion, authenticity and freedom i never had. or at least, didn't remember ever having, as if the real me was stuck living a lie. i just felt a constant strive towards those forms of peace, even if i never truly ended up feeling it. i've felt connected to these things because they are just as "cut off from reality" as me, so to say.
sometimes i feel like a ghost who never really got to exist. i know why it feels that way, and i know that i'll try to shape my future in a way that makes space for all the things i lost during my childhood. i know it gets better.
when you hear older queer people say "it gets better", it's not empty reassurance. it's breadcrumbs to show you that your life improves if you just keep going. sometimes when i see the environment i have to grow up in, it feels hopeless. but then i remember how much better it inevitably gets. i just have to pick the pieces up. i can decide things for myself. i naturally gravitate towards a life path that gives me fulfilment. it's all gonna work out, even if you're stuck now.
until then, i'll use this as a space to heal. thank you so much for reading this and visiting my website.
* Have you ever thought about a world where everything is exactly the same...
* Except you don't exist?
* Everything functions perfectly without you...
* Ha ha... The thought terrifies me.
about me
my name is ari, i'm 17, i'm from germany, and this is a quiet little healing space i'm trying to carve out for myself.i hope you have a nice night or day, and thank you for being here!
i live in a hollow town in the middle of rural nowhere. it feels very empty here. not in the peaceful forest way, but in the "neurotypical wasteland" way. there's loud overwhelming spaces full of people i can't connect with, no matter how hard i keep searching or trying to despite everything. this is what made me escape into liminal spaces. places where i could exist as something softer, where i don't have to contort myself to be tolerated. where i don't have to hear my voice or see my body. the internet to me is the one window into a life that feels like something. and it's what has allowed me to find out what i truly want in the life that has so long been kept from me.
music is a big part of my life and one of the only things that makes me feel stuff a lot of time. when i'm out, i blast loud overwhelming music to block out everything else going on around me. when i'm alone, i listen to music that gives me dopamine or makes me feel seen. it's often hard to put thoughts into words, so music feels like the go to language. i've had fixations on many albums and artists that have connected to me and i rarely explore to find new music. i prefer to just listen a lot to stuff that i really like. at times, music has even helped me find out more about myself. sometimes i'll listen to an album that sounds the way it does because of the artist's environment/headspace, and then realise it mirrors mine.
i'm a very nostalgic person. my whole life, i've always felt closely connected to things that are gone, or never existed in the first place. a lot of my interests, such as deltarune, have been related to "anemoia", a term that describes feeling nostalgic for a period of time you weren't around to witness. i'd obsess over things on the internet that felt like they were forgotten by people or just disconnected from our current time: flipnote, DS games, digital art, old minecraft servers, or most recently, the old warrior cats community - all stuff from the early internet that i never got to truly experience myself. i of course didn't have any fond memories of them, but the vibe i got from these things, how carefree they seemed, drew me in. i already used the internet to escape things when i felt overwhelmed by my surroundings. but when even that wasn't enough, i'd use these old, forgotten spaces as a coping mechanism to get away from things even more. it was so much better than seeing the politics and toxicity that shapes every corner of our present algorithm-driven internet. it also felt as if i was getting to have this childlike innocence, passion, authenticity and freedom i never had. or at least, didn't remember ever having, as if the real me was stuck living a lie. i just felt a constant strive towards those forms of peace, even if i never truly ended up feeling it. i've felt connected to these things because they are just as "cut off from reality" as me, so to say.
sometimes i feel like a ghost who never really got to exist. i know why it feels that way, and i know that i'll try to shape my future in a way that makes space for all the things i lost during my childhood. i know it gets better.
when you hear older queer people say "it gets better", it's not empty reassurance. it's breadcrumbs to show you that your life improves if you just keep going. sometimes when i see the environment i have to grow up in, it feels hopeless. but then i remember how much better it inevitably gets. i just have to pick the pieces up. i can decide things for myself. i naturally gravitate towards a life path that gives me fulfilment. it's all gonna work out, even if you're stuck now.
until then, i'll use this as a space to heal. thank you so much for reading this and visiting my website.